Feeling Lonely

We aren't alone. His Son's name is Emmanuel which means "God is with us". God is faithful. God never leaves. God is a good Father. We are His children. Yet with all this truth surrounding me I still feel alone. I still feel that there is no one there to truly count on. The lies of the enemy creep in as I sit in my room and look through old pictures, or think of what could have been or how it could of played out differently. I isolate myself further and further from the people but even worse I isolate myself from God. The problem is even when you try to isolate yourself from God He still finds us and seeks us out. I wonder how I could ever feel alone with a God who pursues me like my God does. The problem is not with God but with me. My heart is hurting and broken. Its like when a child gets injured and the only way for them to get better is to allow their parents to touch it and clean it but because its stings and it burns the child pulls away. The only way for us to get healed is to allow God to come in and clean up our wounds and maybe it burns and hurts but it will heal faster if we go to the source of our healing. So many times though I am like the child who pulls away and says let me deal with it myself and all it does is get infected and take longer to heal and it hurts more than it ever would have if I would have just let my Heavenly Father come in and heal me. I allow myself to feel lonely because I change my position with God. It is never God who changes His position or how he feels about us. If you feel distant from God you need to look at yourself and where you are. God is faithful to the end and as a father he will stay so close to you especially when you are hurting. I find in the "lonely" times are the times I hear most from God or when God moves most because there is nothing else to distract me. Maybe sometimes things get taken away because God just wants us to Himself for a little while. Maybe just maybe God misses us and wants more time with us because we are children. Life can become consuming if we allow it, I mean we have school, work, spouses, kids, friends, and the list could go on of things that take up our time. So many times we make other things priorities because its the logical thing to do since we can't just quit our jobs or ignore our kids. God is not asking that of us though, He is asking for us to come to Him and allow Him to be in the rightful place in our lives. Is God our number one? Do we thank Him when we wake up and speak to Him throughout day? Do we read His Word? Where does God fit into your life? Why are we trying to make Him fit anywhere? I have noticed when I make God my number one and allow Him to have all my heart things actually go better and we have more time because with God he works all things out for our good. Now I know this kind of took a different spin than you may have expected but remember that feeling lonely and being alone are two different things. Because if you follow God then you are never alone no matter where you go or how far you try to run because God our Father will chase you to the ends of the earth and the depths of the sea to let you know you are not alone.

After High School..

Since I have graduated high school God has taken me on several journies, a bigger one than I could have ever imagined. The sad part I barely take the time to see how much work he has done in my life since then. I graduated high school on May 31, 2012 and turned 18 a few hours after that. Graduation was a special night and so were all the memories leading up to it. I made memories with some of my classmates I will never forget and probably missed out on a few because I got too busy with "life". Then begins my next chapter, on June 9, 2012 I took a leap of faith and boarded a plane to San Pedro, Belize. I was there for 23 days, the night before I left I had an emotional breakdown I was in denial about God being able to use me! Crazy thing is the moment I felt the sand between my toes I knew I was where God wanted me. Belize opened my heart or should I say God used Belize to open my heart. The brokeness on the island brought me to tears but the smiles on the kids faces will forever be engraved in my heart. To love someone like Christ loves the church is something I struggle with sometimes (a lot of the time) but loving those kids and the people on the island came as natural as breathing in and out. I went there expecting to make an impact but what happened was that God used the people there to soften my heart and change my life forever. I learned that no matter what you have been given how little or how much you can choose to have joy! Not just have joy when its easy but when its the hardest to have joy because even though our circumstances may change..our God never does!!

Proverbs 31 Man

Finding a husband that is strong, faithful, and humble is hard to find. But when I do he will be worth more than any jewel on Earth. I will have faith in his ability to lead me and our kids because he follows God. He brings out the best in me and never makes me feel worthless. He does what it takes to provide for me and the kids and while doing it, he does it with joy in his heart. He will find a wonderful place to call home while we are here on Earth but never becomes too comfortable with where we are. He will be there to be my strength, to be my calmness in the storm and love me when I feel I can't be loved. He has a heart for people, he gives hope not with material things but with his actions and words. People shall know my husband for his honesty, faith in the Lord and his giving heart. He never worries about tomorrow but lives today with passion and lives it for the Lord. He never speaks out of anger, he speaks and corrects lovingly. I shall encourage my husband in the work he does for the Lord and tell him how wonderful he is to me. No man can fool a woman forever but a man who is honest from the beginning is to be admired. Let his faith and leadership be praised and encouraged for he is a servant of the Most High.

My love story!

You always hear people say love changes you. People truly believe that if they go into this world and find someone to love them, they will be a different person. Somehow, they will see things differently and appreciate life more. Truth is, that hardly ever happens. Love to me is a gift you must wait for, it is one of those presents if you open before Christmas it is not the same, its not as special. Love is something that should sweep you off your feet, it should leave you gasping to catch your next breath. Love should bring joy and thankfulness to your life, most importantly it should make you selfless. Love is about the other person. Being able to look into that person's eyes and seeing their soul, not the outer appearance everyone sees but the true beauty within that person. Love like this...well to be honest I don't see that much of it. I've never experienced true love with a man, partly because I am only 18 years old but love, true love is something I've grown up dreaming about. You know the Disney movies your parents would take you to see that tell you its possible to "live happily ever after" and that men are brave, fight for your honor and even die for you. Also that women are kind, loving and will be there to support the man no matter what. But I have seen the exact opposite when it comes to real life. I began to ask myself is this why there aren't many "happily ever afters"? People have lost sight of what love truly is. It is not an emotion nor a feeling, or what your insides supposedly do when you see that person. Because all those things focus on how we feel! Don't get me wrong that matters...but when that's all we focus on, its wrong! Love is an action, love is being able to look at the other person and say with confidence "I would die for you." Going back to what I said earlier "I've never experienced true love with a man", this still remains true but I have experienced true love with God's son, Jesus Christ. True at one point he was a man but the reason he became a man was and still is to show me, he loves me so much he would walk on Earth for me. He would come down to my level and not care what anyone thought about being seen with a girl like me. The coolest thing is, is that everyday he looks me straight in the eyes with the uttmost sincerity in his voice and tells me, "I will die for you, so we can spend eternity together." Everyday he walks with me, everyday he dies for me, everyday he loves me, everyday he shows me kindness, everyday he shows me his courage, and everyday he shows me selflessness. This love story sounds amazing right but you haven't heard my side yet. So Jesus comes down to Earth to be with me and I act like I don't know him, like I am too cool to be seen with him and when he says he would die for me I laugh because why would someone die for me? Everyday I deny him, everyday I show hate, everyday I show selfishness, everyday I show a cold heart, and worst of all everyday I show a lack of faith in him. What kind of sick and twisted love story is this you might ask? It's mine and everyone else's love story with Jesus. Everyday we deny him, everyday we deny the love of our Savior, the purest most sacrificial love I've ever come to know. The saddest yet most amazing part is that he keeps coming back, he won't abandon me and he continues to show me love and he continues to die for me. I pray that one day I will truly love him, acknowledge him , be kind, selfless and have an undying faith in him. When that day comes I pray it turns into 2 days, 3 days, a week, a month, a year, a decade, a lifetime and an eternity. An eternity is quite a long time to love someone some might say but what they don't know is its not just anyone, for me it will give me time to show him the love he has always deserved.

Daughter of little faith

God,
Why me? I'm 17 years old, still in high school, super tiny and on the off chance that this makes a difference I'm awkward! I mean I'm not strong, tall, nor am I extremely gorgeous or "charming". I mean God I'm the weakest link why would you send me out to battle? I'm supposed to be the kid that you only let on the the team because you felt bad for me but I sit on the bench constantly because you would never trust me to win the game for you. Why would you place your perfect plan in my unclean hands? I mean I can't do this, this is just totally way above my level! I could refer you to a friend of mine who is way more qualified than me! Not that I'm saying no to you, its just not right now maybe in a few years!

Daughter of little faith,
Jocelyn

Jocelyn,
You have such little faith! No one on my team will ever sit on the bench and watch and be able to enter the kingdom of heaven! You may be all those things you mentioned but remember I use the weak to lead the strong. Your faults and mistakes are what make you perfect for this! I don't want your friend for this, I want you! I never send my soldiers into battle unprepared! You are my child and I am trusting you with this, please know that I am with you every step of the way I don't ever just leave you hanging! To have faith you must first trust.

Love,
Your daddy

Where conditional and unconditional collide!

My conditions for loving God:
1. You have to keep me happy
2. Keep me safe
3. Getting married and having kids is a must
4. I need money..could you help me out?
5. Soo my future..need to know that like NOW!
6. Make people like me
7. Send me somewhere super fun and safe
8. Speaking in public..don't even think about it!
9. Understand I just can't love that person..they were mean to me.

So God what are your conditions for loving me?

Jocelyn, I don't have any conditions. I've loved you from the moment you were merely clay in my hands. I love you when you don't obey me, when your angry, distant, selfish, ignorant, stubborn, not compassionate and when worried about your reputation. I love you when you want to live inside your safety box, I even love when you try to treat me like a fortune cookie or magic eight ball! Truth is, I will never stop loving you no matter what!

God, I don't understand...you have no conditions on when you will love me? Why? This makes no sense.

My answer is simply because your my child.

Its worth it..even when it hurts

"Christianity is worth it", such a common phrase but rarely is it ever followed by "even when it hurts". What about the times when you cry yourself to sleep, when you feel alone, and when you feel hated by all? Is it still worth it then? I feel this way right now! To know that even when your heart is breaking God is still worth it no matter what.
The words of man pierce the flesh and if not treated by turning to God can turn into an infection which leads to death. Jesus told us we were "lambs among wolves" and at the moment I feel like the most fragile of the lambs out there always being the one to be attacked by the wolf. Feeling hurt and abandoned by not only people but I felt God had left me and I have become angry and not understanding why was chosen to experience this. For the past week I haven't been able to stand who I am, my life or hope I was supposed to have. My friend Steph told me to read Philippians chapter 4, two verses stuck out to me which were Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." it talks about being happy where you are, how no matter what whether my life sucks or not God has me in the exact spot I'm there for a reason. That verse really struck home with me!!
I know that Christianity is worth it when I'm happy...but its also worth it when I'm hurting and my heart has been ripped out of my chest by the hands of men. God is growing me through my struggles but not if I don't lean on Him during them. God isn't my friend who makes everything seem peachy to keep me happy and to keep me around! He's the friend that when trials come he doesn't try to sugar coat instead he grows me and he molds me and when it feels too much to bear he sits with me and comforts me.
The question still remains, "do you find it worth it in the darkness of your trials when your heart has been broken is it still worth it to you to follow God?" Cause I'm learning it is, Jesus took up his cross and its time to take up mine which will lead to eternal life of joy!