Daughter of little faith

God,
Why me? I'm 17 years old, still in high school, super tiny and on the off chance that this makes a difference I'm awkward! I mean I'm not strong, tall, nor am I extremely gorgeous or "charming". I mean God I'm the weakest link why would you send me out to battle? I'm supposed to be the kid that you only let on the the team because you felt bad for me but I sit on the bench constantly because you would never trust me to win the game for you. Why would you place your perfect plan in my unclean hands? I mean I can't do this, this is just totally way above my level! I could refer you to a friend of mine who is way more qualified than me! Not that I'm saying no to you, its just not right now maybe in a few years!

Daughter of little faith,
Jocelyn

Jocelyn,
You have such little faith! No one on my team will ever sit on the bench and watch and be able to enter the kingdom of heaven! You may be all those things you mentioned but remember I use the weak to lead the strong. Your faults and mistakes are what make you perfect for this! I don't want your friend for this, I want you! I never send my soldiers into battle unprepared! You are my child and I am trusting you with this, please know that I am with you every step of the way I don't ever just leave you hanging! To have faith you must first trust.

Love,
Your daddy

Where conditional and unconditional collide!

My conditions for loving God:
1. You have to keep me happy
2. Keep me safe
3. Getting married and having kids is a must
4. I need money..could you help me out?
5. Soo my future..need to know that like NOW!
6. Make people like me
7. Send me somewhere super fun and safe
8. Speaking in public..don't even think about it!
9. Understand I just can't love that person..they were mean to me.

So God what are your conditions for loving me?

Jocelyn, I don't have any conditions. I've loved you from the moment you were merely clay in my hands. I love you when you don't obey me, when your angry, distant, selfish, ignorant, stubborn, not compassionate and when worried about your reputation. I love you when you want to live inside your safety box, I even love when you try to treat me like a fortune cookie or magic eight ball! Truth is, I will never stop loving you no matter what!

God, I don't understand...you have no conditions on when you will love me? Why? This makes no sense.

My answer is simply because your my child.

Its worth it..even when it hurts

"Christianity is worth it", such a common phrase but rarely is it ever followed by "even when it hurts". What about the times when you cry yourself to sleep, when you feel alone, and when you feel hated by all? Is it still worth it then? I feel this way right now! To know that even when your heart is breaking God is still worth it no matter what.
The words of man pierce the flesh and if not treated by turning to God can turn into an infection which leads to death. Jesus told us we were "lambs among wolves" and at the moment I feel like the most fragile of the lambs out there always being the one to be attacked by the wolf. Feeling hurt and abandoned by not only people but I felt God had left me and I have become angry and not understanding why was chosen to experience this. For the past week I haven't been able to stand who I am, my life or hope I was supposed to have. My friend Steph told me to read Philippians chapter 4, two verses stuck out to me which were Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." it talks about being happy where you are, how no matter what whether my life sucks or not God has me in the exact spot I'm there for a reason. That verse really struck home with me!!
I know that Christianity is worth it when I'm happy...but its also worth it when I'm hurting and my heart has been ripped out of my chest by the hands of men. God is growing me through my struggles but not if I don't lean on Him during them. God isn't my friend who makes everything seem peachy to keep me happy and to keep me around! He's the friend that when trials come he doesn't try to sugar coat instead he grows me and he molds me and when it feels too much to bear he sits with me and comforts me.
The question still remains, "do you find it worth it in the darkness of your trials when your heart has been broken is it still worth it to you to follow God?" Cause I'm learning it is, Jesus took up his cross and its time to take up mine which will lead to eternal life of joy!

BLESSED

Beloved child is what I am
Love is what I practice
Everlasting God is who I serve
Stillness is where my peace comes from
Safety is in my Fathers' arms
Eternal praise is what I cry out
Daughter of the King is who I am.

Can I carry you, my child?

My walk with God was at arms length for the longest time, close enough that I occasionally felt him and could act godly in front of people. But I was also far enough away where I could keep all the things I wanted, stay the same and not have to live a boring life.
What I came to realize was that as I put my arms out to push God away, he would grab my hands and slowly pull me closer inch by inch. Slowly the chains were being broken, I was feeling whole..and my life wasn't boring! God was and still is breaking down a barrier that no one in my life had ever climbed over or even attempted. His way was different though, all he did was love me and continuously show me grace and mercy. He loves me when my heart was nothing but shattered pieces on the floor. The closer I walked next to him the more I desired to lose myself and the selfish and self-fulfilling lifestyle I had been leading.
Lately though, God hasn't just been asking me to walk with him but he asked if I would let him carry me. I was so hesitant to completely fall before God and be so raw and vulnerable with him that I would allow him to carry me. This week I decided to let him carry me, I came before Him with tears streaming down my face begging him for him to hold me!!!! I couldn't do it anymore, my heart was breaking and only his love could heal what man had broken!
Being close to God's heart is this constant warmth, joy, peace, and most of all being overwhelmed by his love. And when the world yells at me saying "YOU WILL NEVER DO ANYTHING, YOUR WORTHLESS, YOUR UGLY, FAT, AND WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!" God whispers "Your here because I have a plan for you my child, and because I love you more than you can comprehend."

Who says?

Who says? This entry is short because I want you to think about who says. Everyone who says you can't do something or your not good enough. But then who says..you were and are important enough to be born, you would be given extraordinary gifts and that your a masterpiece. It does matter who says, but who will you listen to is the question?

My so called plans..

Feeling abandoned, feeling lost, feeling like I'm in the middle of this vast darkness. Not being able to see the light but knowing its still there, is something I'm struggling with right now. Knowing attack is bound to happen but then it happens and I feel like I'm being ripped away from what I've come to know and love. This world is grasping onto me and my heart is yearning for what I already have...or had. Being broken isn't beautiful, its messy, painful and raw! It's not something that I wanted to go through right now..I had it all figured out, I was doing good wasn't I God?! But now I realize it became about me, I was soaking up the praise, stomping my way to the top of my pedestal that I created for myself. Thinking I could stand next to God and say "Look what I've done you should be grateful!"
Utterly repulsed by the fact that I began to think I was doing God a favor. God looks at me and says..."shouldn't you be grateful, instead of constantly wanting! What else do you want..I gave you my son,I gave you a life, a family, a home, and eternal life! What more could you possibly want?!" That's when my heart sank..realizing I already have everything I need...but the things my flesh want are empty its nothing that can fill me up like God can. Loving the world and expecting to be happy is what I had done. I'm so far into my ego that I am blinded by the awe factor of God. That this is his plan for me, this is his life for me, this is all for him and his kingdom! None of this is for me! My joy should come from the Lord not from
the praise of men! My deeds do me no good if its not backed by unshakeable faith!