Feeling abandoned, feeling lost, feeling like I'm in the middle of this vast darkness. Not being able to see the light but knowing its still there, is something I'm struggling with right now. Knowing attack is bound to happen but then it happens and I feel like I'm being ripped away from what I've come to know and love. This world is grasping onto me and my heart is yearning for what I already have...or had. Being broken isn't beautiful, its messy, painful and raw! It's not something that I wanted to go through right now..I had it all figured out, I was doing good wasn't I God?! But now I realize it became about me, I was soaking up the praise, stomping my way to the top of my pedestal that I created for myself. Thinking I could stand next to God and say "Look what I've done you should be grateful!"
Utterly repulsed by the fact that I began to think I was doing God a favor. God looks at me and says..."shouldn't you be grateful, instead of constantly wanting! What else do you want..I gave you my son,I gave you a life, a family, a home, and eternal life! What more could you possibly want?!" That's when my heart sank..realizing I already have everything I need...but the things my flesh want are empty its nothing that can fill me up like God can. Loving the world and expecting to be happy is what I had done. I'm so far into my ego that I am blinded by the awe factor of God. That this is his plan for me, this is his life for me, this is all for him and his kingdom! None of this is for me! My joy should come from the Lord not from
the praise of men! My deeds do me no good if its not backed by unshakeable faith!
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